Nose

Gah my fucking nose is so big!

I can see it with my eyes - like in the middle of my face - the end of it.

I feel like the pilot of a low flying Concorde.

Hedgehog

Saw a hedgehog in the park today.

I named it Kristin Stuart after the actor because they are both small prickly and not very good at acting

Starbucks

Starbucks are now taking peoples names for their orders. Awesome.

They had better prepare to make a large vanilla latte for Destruction, Ultimate Warrior. (After he pays of his student loan.)

Instagram

I feel a deep pang of regret deep in my soul. Let me admit something:

My entire life I have never uploaded a single photo with Instagram. Think of all the interesting things I have been doing, and how those interesting things would be so much more interesting if I applied a filter to them.

All I can say is thank God that everyone else on my facebook feed is doing it for me, uploading many photos with many different filters that make them so much more appealing and interesting.

Thank God.

New Peanut Product

Just got back from the supermarket. They had these crisps. “Peanut Puffs”.

"Peanut crisps!?" I said to myself. "Why has no one done that before?"

I bought a packet.

I’ll tell you why no one has done peanut crisps before:

They are awful. Peanut and crisp don’t go well together at all. Just because you can mix peanut with chocolate, doesn’t give you carte blanche to mix it with everything.

Disgraceful

Nappy Adverts

These adverts on TV for Nappies (Diapers if you live in the United States of language bastardisation. ) always talk about how they are so “absorbent” and how they “hold even more than ever before”. Then they show a person pouring some water into nappy to show how great it is.

That doesn’t prove anything. If I was part of an advertising agency, I’d have full grown, fat men wearing the nappies. They’d go drinking and get a curry.

Next, you’d see them going fucking nuts, shitting and pissing in their nappies. Going nuts, shouting their war cries trying to defeat the valiant nappies. When they are done, and the nappies are still holding the water/deficient.  I’d have a caption appear on the screens saying:

"Huggies. God help you if your baby can break through.."

That my friends is a great nappy advert.

It really gets the message across.

I’m free for consultations advert people.

Targeted Advertising

I thought targeted was already in use:

It would seem not.

Take Me Out

All my flatmates watch this dating show called take me out.

Basically 30 or so girls have a buzzer, and when a guy comes in they press it if they are not interested. The girls can press their buzzers at any time while the guy discusses his personal life, has his friends grass him up on his weird habits. After a portion where the guy shows off a talent the girls who still have a light on can’t turn it off. The guy can then choose who he is going on a date with.

If I was good looking and talented. I’d go on the show and wait until the girls couldn’t turn off their buzzers.

Then I’d turn round and say something like

"Oh, and by the way, I rape cats."

Then I’d choose my date. Good times.

Nothing sparks romance like cranking up the awkward.

JLS (Or The Wanted, Or One Direction)

People give bands like JLS a hard time. They say that they are “untalented”, “gay” and “can’t sing”.

If you ask me, these boybands are talented.

I mean, I bet it’s pretty fucking hard to sing when you have a cock up your arse.

Wouldn’t you call that a talent?